People who tend to gravitate towards abusive individuals often ask themselves why they keep ending up with abusers. Do they have some kind of beacon that lets abusive people know that they are vulnerable or do they simply have bad luck?
While no one has a lighted sign over their head identifying them as a victim, there are certain patterns that abusers and victims each follow. Some of the behavior patterns are listed below.
Victim Behaviors
One of the quickest ways to end up with an abuser is to advertise status as a victim. Many traits are displayed unknowingly, yet they are displayed just the same. Some of these traits are listed below.
- Withdrawn body language is common in a victim. Some people carry their body as if they would like to hide from the world. This includes slumped shoulders, hiding hands in sleeves or crossing arms as if to protect one's self, head down and avoidance of eye contact. This posture advertises a passive victim, meaning that they have been through so much that they assume a posture of protection in everyday situations as if waiting for the next windfall of abuse.
- Victims have a lack of self respect. While some people advertise their fear of others, other people draw attention to themselves in such a way as to advertise their lack of respect for themselves. Their need for attention is the perfect lure for the abuser who is perfectly willing to give attention and in fact may be willing to dedicate his or her life to focusing on what another person is doing until they have assumed complete control. Some displays of lack of self respect include promiscuous attire and loud speaking whether or not the occasion is appropriate for the volume.
Now that the victim may be aware of the way he or she presents, what should one look for in an abuser so he/she can avoid pairing up with him?
Abuser Behaviors
Just as a victim can advertise his/her status just by walking into a room, so can an abuser. Some of these behaviors aren't quite as obvious as the victim's until the behavior is understood. Once the abusive behavior is understood, the abusers become the ones with the light above their heads reading like a warning sign.
- Abusers are overly charming. If a person seems to be too charming to be genuine, they probably are. Most abusers are well aware that they have character flaws. This is the very thing that makes them so controlling and abusive. It's much easier to pick out another person's flaws than it is to focus on the self. Keep in mind that this charm works like fireworks; It's almost blindingly beautiful in the beginning, but it eventually burns out and anyone who plays with them risks getting hurt.
- Extreme behaviors are common when dealing with customer service people of any kind. This can go two ways. Either the charm is put on thick when it really isn't necessary or they are rude and disrespectful as they view the customer service person in a lower station of life than them. Heads up! On the surface, these people view everyone as someone to be used at the abuser's discretion.
- Name calling or judgment of other people is common in abusive people. If a person must resort to name-calling or constantly complaining about someone else's values, this is a sure sign that all is not well with his ego. A healthy ego is willing to accept that people are different as a general rule of life. The abuser does not have a healthy ego and tends to judge others based on his own ideals.
- Abusers practice victim seclusion. One of the most effective behaviors of the abuser is to attempt to seclude the victim from other people. This is a common method of secrecy. If there is no one for the victim to turn to, then they will turn to the abuser, giving the abuser complete control of the victim's life.
In general, the abuser tends to be very charming at times. They may be well dressed and present an image of perfection. Keep in mind that if someone seems to good to be true. they probably are. Poisonous animals are often a thing of beauty to behold, but they are still poisonous.
