Women: Say No Without Guilt
Why it's Not ss Simple for Women to Turn Down Requests
Women in particular find it difficult to blend their desire to help and connect with others with the need to establish limits by saying no.
Ask any two-year-old a question, and you’ll know they have no problem with the word. Adults, however, do have difficulty with the “n” word. In fact, women especially have a hard time saying the word “no.”
Many books have been published that give techniques on setting boundaries. From “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,” by Manuel J. Smith, to “The Book of No,’ by Susan Newman, ideas abound on how to turn down requests. But many of the assertiveness techniques that are taught are still incomplete.
Special Issues for Women
Nanette Gartrell, author of “My Answer is No…. If That’s Okay With You: How Women Can Say No and Still Feel Good About It” ,says that the component often missing is an understanding of the emotions women feel when they turn down a request. “Saying NO for women can be a genuine struggle because of our deeply rooted need for connection,” Gartrell says in her book.
It’s not so much a weakness or lack of knowledge, but more an innate desire to show compassion, empathy and sensitivity that makes it hard to say no. Gartrell says that because of this dichotomy, women tend to water down the refusal with an apologetic “no…. if that’s okay with you.”
Blending Relationships with “No”
While it may be easy to say no to the telemarketer who interrupts dinner, it may not be as simple to say no to the fifth neighborhood Girl Scout who comes to your door selling cookies. When it’s someone you know, you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or have them think badly of you.
Setting Boundaries
One step in feeling more comfortable saying no is realizing that it is important to set boundaries. Parents do it with their children; employees do it with their employees; society does it with their citizens. By understanding expectations and limits, people set up a common world of behavior.
Making Choices
Another aspect is that people have a finite amount of time in every day, and every time you make a choice to do one thing, you’re making a choice not to do something else, so in essence, you’re saying yes to one thing, and no to another all of the time.
Gartrell’s Tips for Saying No
1. Don’t rush to answer a request. If you feel pressure to make a decision immediately, you may regret the decision. Instead, say that you’ll first check your calendar, or say you’ll see if it fits into your schedule and will let them know.
2. Determine if you really want to fulfill the request or if you’re feeling guilty if you don’t. Figure out what you fear will happen if you say no. Is it a loss of relationship? Disappointing the other person? How important this is to you and how realistic is the worse case scenario? These questions will help you figure out whether you’ll be happier saying yes or saying no.
3. Once you’ve decided, give the answer promptly. The longer you wait, the more uncomfortable it feels for both parties.
4. “My answer is no,” is a complete response. It can be said with kindness, or followed by a “but thank you for asking me.” But it does not have to have an apology or an extended explanation. “This doesn’t work for me,” is reason enough.
